Birthday Stripper
by 2Padfoot00Moony7
Summary: It's Remus's sweet sixteen and Sirius nomintated himself as in charge of entertainment,,, surely nothing good can come from this? Pure RLSB Madness!


Birthday Striper

* * *

Remus was scared.

Very scared.

It was his sixteenth birthday and none other than the infamous Sirius Black had decided that he wanted to sort out the - er - 'entertainment'.

And to put it lightly, Remus was petrified of what Sirius was going to do. Plain petrified.

He ran down the corridor, currently trying to find a suitable closet to hide out in.

He found a door and quickly pulled it open, only to slam it shut again.

He might be desperate, but he wasn't that desperate and by the look of what they'd been doing, they probably wouldn't appreciate company.

So he set off in search again, cursing himself for not fetching The Marauder's Map with him.

He heard footsteps behind him and the unmistakable voice of Sirius calling his name.

In a panic, he grabbed the nearest door and flung himself inside, disregarding it's occupant with his heart beating wildly.

Only once the door was securely locked did he turn round.

"I'm so sorry Professor! Sirius - chasing - me…" He garbled incoherently, McGonagall raised an eyebrow as said animagus started pounding on her door.

"I quite understand Remus." She stated calmly before going back to her marking.

Shaking his head at just how far Sirius' reputation had gotten, Remus turned his attention back to the door.

"I'll get you yet Moony! And your little cat too!" Sirius called through the door.

"Er - I don't have a cat Sirius." Remus shouted back.

"I meant Minnie." Sirius stopped pounding against the door. "Let me in!" He whined pitifully.

"No!" It wasn't just Remus but spoke this time but 'Minnie' too.

"Don't do it Remus!" McGonagall urged, getting to her feet and pointing her wand at the door, Remus stood next to her.

"I'll blast the door open!" Sirius warned.

"You'll do no such thing Sirius Black! Now I suggest you get back to your common room before I decide detention sounds like a good idea." The female professor shouted shrilly, a note of panic entering her voice.

There was a few seconds silence. "…Fine. But tell Remus he's missing out." Remus smirked, he could imagine Sirius stood with his arms folded and bottom lip sticking out.

They listened as Sirius noisily clomped his way back down the corridor.

"Now would you mind telling me _why _Mr Black is so desperate to get you." McGonagall sat back down, sparing a glance at the werewolf whom was stood pressed with his ear against the door.

"It's - er - my sixteenth birthday today. Sirius nominated himself to sort out the entertainment." Hs left eye started twitching.

McGonagall looked as though she was about to start to laughing, but thought better of it and instead focused on keeping a straight face.

"I feel - er - sorry for you." She bit her lip and looked back down at the work she was marking, her shoulders started to shake and tears started to form with suppressed laughter.

Finally she could take it no more and burst out laughing hysterically.

Remus backed out of the room. "I'll - I'll just be going now." He said nervously before he shut the door and let out a breath of relief.

Relief, that was, unfortunately short lived.

He let out a piecing scream as a big ball of black fluff knocked him to the ground.

"Sirius!" He yelled as the young Black grinned maraud-ishly from where he sat upon the werewolf's chest.

"There you are Moony! I got the strange feeling you were avoiding me." His eyes glinted and Remus groaned.

"What have you got planned for tonight Sirius?" He asked, warily.

"Oh nothing much, just booze, girls, music, you know, the usual. Oh and a stripper - "

"A STRIPPER!?" Remus screamed incredulously.

"You can't stay innocent forever my young Moonykins." Sirius bent forward slightly so his long dark hair fell into his eyes.

"Yes but a stripper Sirius…" Remus said despairingly.

"Ooh she does all sorts Moony! She strips, (obviously), she gives lap dances…" He went into a long list of things and Remus completely shut off, his brain numb from shock. "… You're booked in for a lap dance and a b -"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence Sirius Black!" Remus growled.

"I was only going to say back rub! What was your dirty little mind thinking?" Sirius leant forward again, his nose a centimetre from Remus' face.

"_I _wasn't thinking anything!" Remus said indignantly, "Anyway, why can't we just sit and read, _quietly, _or sit and talk, _quietly, _or even sit and drink, _quietly." _

"You're getting a stripper regardless Remus! I promise you!" Sirius said enthusiastically and climbed to his feet. 

Remus lay still for a couple of seconds, groaning inwardly.

He was then heaved to his feet by an enthusiastic, hyper animagus.

Remus groaned again, dreading his return to the common room.

**-o-o-o-o-o-**

When the two canines entered the room, loud cheers sounded and no female was in sight.

Remus felt his cheeks burning and kept his gaze on the floor.

As Sirius steered him across the room, numerous hands clapped him on the back and said congratulations.

He was dumped mercilessly into the best armchair in front of a _huge _chocolate cake with the words, _Moonykins, Happy 16th Birthday! _Iced on top. Still cringing, Remus sunk low into his chair, trying his best to ignore the page three girls that were taped up on the walls.

"Open your present!" Sirius thrust a small parcel into is hands.

Nervously, Remus' shaking fingers undid the wrapping paper, and his face turned tomato red when he held up a large leopard print thong.

"It's your size too Remus!" Sirius said eagerly from besides him.

Remus showed him his finger with matching words.

"Tut tut. You need your mouth washing out." He summoned a bottle of Firewhiskey and gave it to Remus.

Remus glared at the bottle in his hand.

He then held up his own bottle. "To Remus!" Everyone drank except the birthday boy.

James' voice could suddenly be heard shouting above the crowd, "Can everyone please face the screen as the slideshow is about to begin."

Remus swore to himself and slowly, unwillingly, looked up at James.

And pictures of himself began to move across the screen, all with commentary from James.

Remus sunk, if possible, even lower into his chair, wishing it could come to life and eat him there and then.

"And finally, here we have Remus Lupin doing his favourite thing, Sirius-Staring." James flourished one hand towards the screen and Remus' mouth dropped open.

There was himself discreetly watching Sirius over the top of a book.

The real Sirius looked down at him and smirked.

"When did you even _take _that?" Remus asked, his voice high pitched and strangled. The people around him laughed but Sirius ignored him and checked his watch instead. "Entertainment should be arriving soon, come on." He started walking off.

Puzzled, Remus stayed where he was. "Where you going?"

"Trying to get you up to the dorm so the stripper can start when she arrives." Remus frowned. "I booked a private viewing for you, I knew how embarrassed you'd be otherwise!"

Dreading his fate more than ever, he very tentatively made his way upstairs, muttering darkly. "I'm going to bloody murder you Sirius Black! I'm going to tear your eyeballs out one at a time and then stuff them where the sun don't shine. I'm then going to dig out your brain with a spoon and feed it to Peter. Next I'll shave your hair and throw you from the Astronomy Tower. I hate you so much! You just wait! You just wait Sirius Black, I'll get my own back!" Sirius merely beamed, and listened closely.

Remus only stopped ranting when they entered the dorm, where he was floored.

Candles had been lit all over the room and the lights dimmed with soft music playing. Fairy lights had also been strung up and a tall metal pole propped up in the centre of the room.

"Sirius, please tell me that isn't what I think it is!" Remus groaned again.

Sirius nodded gleefully, sliding up and down the silver pole. "It's permanent."

Remus sank onto the nearest bed, clutching his hair in despair.

Sirius chuckled, checked his watch and walked back to the door.

"Sirius! Wait - I need to tell you something." Remus called out at the last second, making his mind up.

"Can't it wait? She'll be here now." Sirius left without waiting for an answer.

"Bugger." Remus sighed in frustration, unable to believe that he'd been on the brink of telling Sirius his most deepest, darkest, well - his second most deepest, darkest secret.

He was gay.

He slumped back into the luxurious pillows, anxiety eating away at him.

After what felt like an age, Sirius repapered.

With no-one following him.

Remus instantly smiled, his heart feeling lighter. "No stripper?" He asked happily.

"No stripper." Sirius confirmed glumly.

"Yes!" Remus sat there beaming whilst Sirius fell down besides him.

"McGonagall caught her." Sirius continued sadly.

"Twice in one night she's saved me!" Remus jumped on the bed a few times, cabbage patching, before sitting back down.

"Don't have to look so happy." Sirius' said, his gaze wandering to the shiny pole and a sudden idea sparked in his mind. "Unless… Music … Yes… Be right back." His eyes were wide and sparkling, a sure sign he was up to no good.

Instantly nervous again, Remus went back to chewing his nails.

"I promised you a strip, and a strip you will get." Sirius smirked as he waltzed back into the room, he directed his wand at the wireless where a lively song began to play.

He swung his hips and licked his lips, his hands easily sliding off his shirt.

Remus sat still, wide eyed and frozen with shock.

Sirius started to slide around the pole, the candle light throwing seductive shadows over him.

"Sirius…" Remus began as Sirius started to undo his belt.

"Sirius…" Remus said a little louder as Sirius pulled his belt off in one motion and let it slide slowly to the floor.

"Sirius…" Remus said even louder as Sirius began to undo his trousers.

"Sirius…?" Remus asked softly as Sirius walked up to him.

"Siri -" Remus was cut off as Sirius pressed his lips against his.

The song ended and they slowly broke apart.

"Happy Birthday Remus." Sirius said dryly, his heart beating madly and only his eyes betraying his nervousness.

"Thank you Sirius." Remus murmured, touching his lips. "Would you mind doing that again?"

* * *

**A/N: ****I got this idea from Two Pints Of Lager and A Packet of Crisps: Antlers. ****(It's Jonny's stag night and the stripper knows about Gaz sleeping with Janet so Gaz sends the stripper home and because he's promised a stripper, he strips himself.)**

**I found it funny!**

**I know it's short and I know it's abrupt but it amuses simple minds( Like mee!)**

**The idea was gnawing away at me so I just had to write it!**

**Review xD**


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